4 June, 2012
He was onto it now, Bernard could feel it. He’d tracked the beast through the snow for hours, and knew it must be close by. Once he caught it, he would be famous! The tracks led into some bushes, and Bernard followed. Then he froze, dumbfounded.
“Nessie?!? What the hell are you doing here?”
The serpentine neck turned gracefully to regard him. “Oh, I just fancied a change of scenery. Bigfoot raves about this place.”
“But how can you, a cold-blooded reptile, survive here?” Bernard asked.
The plesiosaur gave him a quizzical look. “You’ve never been to Scotland, have you?”
* * *
This Friday Fictioneers entry was brought to you by Scotch Video Cassettes, because screw Netflix.
I wasn’t all that happy with my last attempt, so I thought I’d have another go. I’m much happier with this one. Apologies to any Scottish readers who might be offended. Please don’t nut me.
Myth Confirmed by Jake Kale is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
2 June, 2012
Jake yawned purposely, eyes closing tightly enough to aggravate his migraine. Freezing air filled his lungs. He didn’t want to be here. Crouched beside him, the engineer was finishing up. Jake wondered how easy it would be to make him just disappear.
“I can’t find any sign of a leak,” the engineer said. A false alarm, apparently. Jake was certain he’d smelled gas in his kitchen, but it was 3 AM, he was tired and eager to leave the dingy apartment building basement. He apologised to the engineer and showed him out hurriedly. As he did so, he made sure to avoid glancing at the darkened alcove near the entrance, where he could’ve sworn he’d seen a figure watching them.
This Friday Fictioneers entry was brought to you by Kia-Ora and their vaguely racist ad campaign. “I’ll be your dawg!”
Hey look, I’m back again! A little late, but I got here in the end. Don’t get used to it, though, I’ll probably disappear again before next week. Things are still unsettled on the home front.
This one is drawn from a personal experience, which took place earlier this year. It’s not 100% accurate – I didn’t see anything, but I was sure I’d heard someone, or possibly something, moving about in that little offshoot. I’m somewhat ashamed to say that I made sure the engineer was stood between me and the alcove. I was probably imagining it, but it doesn’t hurt to be safe.
False Alarm? by Jake Kale is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
13 April, 2012
Johnny walked hurriedly down Loughborough Road, his heart thumping. Every day he made this journey to and from school. And every day he passed that empty white house and the hair stood up on his neck. He had no idea why, but that old house terrified him. Today he dared to take a sideways glance, caught a brief snapshot of flaking brickwork, dirty windows and mouldy net curtains. His mum had told him it used to be a doctor’s surgery, many years ago. Johnny hated going to the doctors.
He looked away and carried on walking.
* * *
A grey, tapered forelimb rested on the windowsill. Through mottled net curtains, it watched as the boy hurried off. The faint chatter of children’s voices drifted out of its subconscious – was that really how they’d sounded? It couldn’t be sure anymore. It had been so very long.
It turned away and carried on waiting.
* * *
This Friday Fictioneers entry was brought to you by Lyle’s Golden Syrup. Stick it on your shopping list!
Right, first off, if you’re new to the whole #FridayFictioneers shebang (in which case I can say without hyperbole that you have not lived) then please visit Madison Woods’ blog to find out WTF it’s all about and HTF you can take part. While you’re there make sure you check out her entry, then have a gander at the comments to find links to others. Feel free to read and comment on as many as you can, because they are all guaranteed to be awesome. If you are already aware of the #FridayFictioneers then you’ve just wasted valuable reading/commenting time on the above. In addition, you may or may not have discovered that I’m a damn liar.
Moving along, apologies for my absence these last few weeks – what do you mean, you hadn’t noticed? Little bit of traditional English self-deprecation there. Consider that a bonus for depriving you of my obvious talent. What do you mean, what talent? There you go, have another! I’m all about giving.
Frivolity aside, an explanation is in order. I’ve been busy for the last month or so doing up my flat to get it in a reasonable state as we’re hoping to move. Between this, the Domain and other commitments I haven’t had a lot of free time. I was all set to make my stunning return this week, when unfortunately I happened to get sick as a dog. Lazy, useless antibodies. Fortunately I wrote this piece and prepared the illustration in advance, so this time I will not be denied! I won’t be able to read or comment on other entries tonight, or respond to any comments here, as despite technological advances it remains difficult to do so from the confines of the bathroom (apologies for that mental image, I’m trying to dilute my own ill feeling by spreading it around a bit). Hopefully I’ll feel up to it tomorrow. After that, I might do a bit of reading and commenting! There you, a side serving of euphemism to go with your double helping of self-deprecation. Another little bonus for you.
While I’m here, I’d like to take the opportunity to thank Susie Lindau for taking part in my recent 200th comic special. Sadly the planned follow-up has been kiboshed by this accursed disease, but you will still get your cameo appearance as promised, alongside a certain other well-known blogger. Look out for that next week.
Till then, this is Jake Kale signing off. Hopefully not permanently.
Patience by Jake Kale is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
9 March, 2012
Jake stared at the comment field, the expectant square as blank as his mind. Everyone else’s comments were so witty, insightful and encouraging. What could he possibly add to the discussion? He thought for a second, then his figures skipped about the keyboard.
* * *
I hope Susie, Madison and elmowrites will forgive me for incorporating them, or at least their avatars into the story, such as it is. And I hope you’ll all forgive my self-doubt, not to mention my self-indulgence. I like to take frequent, cutting shots at my own inadequacies. I have no idea why.
In case you’re wondering, the unseen entry they’re commenting on deals with a character my nephew came up with named Mr. Facemelt. I’ve referenced him before, here and here. One day I’m going to explore that character in full, bloody detail.
As always, for more details about the Friday Fictioneers check out Madison Wood’s blog.
Turn On, Log In, and Freak Out by Jake Kale is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
24 February, 2012
Dust scattered as if moved by a mighty exhalation. Shafts of hot light penetrated the gloom, revealing a whole new world that long vanished eyes would never see. It had faced annihilation, the end of life, yet it had persevered. And now, after enduring the bone crushing weight of time for so long, the great beast had finally surfaced.
Dr Bob Jackson knelt before the scant remains. To think, he’d almost walked right by them. As he lightly swept away the baking earth the maxilla appeared, immense teeth still routed in the jaws. Jackson smiled. “You made it, big fella.”
* * *
OK, so I tweaked the prompt a little. Call it a compromise!
To be honest, I couldn’t not use this prompt. The second I saw it, I thought, “Dinosaur!” I have been a prehistory nerd since before I can remember, and I retain that fascination with these awe-inspiring animals and the vanished ecosystems they inhabited to this day. In my geologically insignificant time on this planet I have seen our understanding of them and their world, and of the worlds that came before and since, change many times over as intrepid palaeontologists pushed the boundaries of what we can know, what we can learn. I have seen things that just a few years ago I would’ve thought impossible become reality. This story is dedicated to the efforts of the men and women who venture out into the world to discover its past. If I’d had their drive I could’ve been out there with them. I share their fascination though, and I thank them for their work. To coin a phrase, you guys rock!
As always, thanks to Madison Woods for giving me and others an excuse to write/kick up the backside. Go to her blog to learn more about the Friday Fictioneers, and please feel free to comment and leave links to your entries there and here. And if you haven’t yet then please join in. It’s fun!
One last bit of business. This is shameless begging, so I apologise in advance. This an appeal to readers who have visited my other site, The Master Of His Domain. I’ve recently posted a review of the 2011-early 2012 season and I’m looking for feedback. I’ve been running it since late 2009, and while its audience has grown steadily I want more. I’m really trying to make the site a success so any suggestions/criticisms/squeeing would be very much appreciated.
Breaking the Surface by Jake Kale is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
10 February, 2012
The pathologist stifled a yawn as he entered the bedroom. What remained of the young woman was spread across the bed before him. Moving past ashen detectives, he began his examination. The head, though blood-spattered, was uninjured. Sightless eyes stared up at him. With the lightest touch from his gloved hand, he teased open her thick, full lips, revealing the slack tongue inside. Formerly motile organs that had brought him such pleasure just a few short hours ago…
He drew back, mindful of his colleagues. Soon, she’d be on the slab in his morgue. Then the fun would really begin.
* * *
This one was inspired by the work of a friend of mine, Mr. Daniel Brown (no, not that one). Technically, his Creative Commons license forbids expanding on any of his work, but I’m kinda of hoping he won’t mind in this case. If he does, then this is not the same character. Just one very similar. They look alike, too, and have a similar MO. But they’re totally different, I assure you. His story is well worth a read and fits the rules for this here contest perfectly, so be sure to check it out. You maybe could encourage him to get in on this, too. Be subtle about it though, don’t just charge in shouting “WRITE MORE STUFF!” I have learned from bitter experience that this is not a good way to motivate someone, unless that someone is a fist that you want to motivate into your face.
Right, I’m off to read other people’s stuff now, assuming my internet holds out. Honestly, a little bit of snow and the greatest technological achievement known to man goes on the fritz. Internet scientists, sort this out before the next ice age or we could have a problem. Hopefully your internet is OK, in which case feel free to read, comment and link back to your entries. If you have no idea what I’m talking about (which, let’s face it, is likely the case) drop by Madison Woods’ blog to learn more about the Friday Fictioneers (not to be confused with the Musketeers, or indeed the Muskehounds). Have fun! Just don’t mess up the place.
Loose Lips by Jake Kale is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
3 February, 2012
After storing the ropes and planks in the Land Rover’s boot, Charlie and Bowen admired their handiwork. A perfect circle. Simple, effective and a hoax. Hoax claim proved.
Then they noticed a figure moving towards them. Tall. Grey. Big black eyes.
“My God,” Charlie said. “It’s an alien! Aliens are real!”
They jumped into the Land Rover and sped away in a panic. They didn’t spot the low cobbled wall until it was too late.
* * *
Aaron removed the mask and watched as the little scrotes emerged from the stricken Land Rover and scurried away. “Teach ’em to destroy my crops!”
* * *
This is my second crop circle in as many days. No, not literally! Perhaps I should explain. In addition to this site I also publish comics over at my other site, “The Master Of His Domain”. The main comic just concluded its second season, so during the break I’m publishing a selection of filler material, including the brand-new “Grey Area”, which focuses on the exploits of the infamous aliens. It’s proved popular so far (read: it hasn’t got any complaints), and is well worth a look.
This story itself was intended to be a longer one, and was briefly reworked as a Master Of His Domain comic before I gave up on it. I might do a longer version some day, but this’ll do for now.
Circular Logic by Jake Kale is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.